What was old, I will begin anew

Wow, been a while since I've been here..
and I feel like since I'm back I should catch you up, old blog old pal..
But there's just some things that I just don't feel like saying.
BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS.
I have a wife:3
Jordan Michelle Middleton:D
She proposed to me last night.
ahahaha I love it, she's so gewd to me ^-^
and she's all mine:D
so yes.
Now you have been caught up.
<3

This very fucking well concerns you, bitch.

What the hell is your problem?
You bitch about how I told you you had to change for me, and you said you would, and everything was fine. Everything would have STAYED fine. And then one night, the one night I tell you that I trust you, and that when you said that you didn't trust yourself, just don't do anything that you know ISN'T FREAKING RIGHT. And you said you wouldn't. Not fucking two hours later I find out you go crawling back to Graham (<3>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> You and pretty much anyone when it comes down to it. So go be happy with this new guy that you had another best kiss with that you've never felt anything like before. Have fun kid. Prepare to enter the psych ward.

You didn't hurt any feelings at all

On another note. To someone else:

I am so sorry I can never be that to you. I am so sorry I can't return your feelings. And I am so sorry that I'm hung up on him ^^^.

I can not tell you how long I've wanted to hear you say that.
I can not tell you, how ever happy it would make me, how bad I'd be for you.
I REALLY hope you're the only one who still reads this, because it's only to you.
There's only one more thing I have to say:
I haven't stopped smiling since I read that blog post. You finally found someone else, someone to care about. I'd hoped to be the one you did care about, but i miss more than anything the friends we were before I told you my feelings.
THAT was the guy I want to be. THAT is who I want to be for you. THAT is when I was happy, you were happy, and we could lay in the floor and just talk.
Now, it's a chore to come up with chit-chat.
Maybe, just maybe we can mend what I broke. Maybe, just maybe we can be the kids we were?
But enough of that, I wish I could fit all that in a text, but fuck my phone.
I love you, Martin.
Smile:)?

Just Dissappointment

I'm so tired of constantly being disappointed.
SO! No longer will I "put myself out there." All it ever seems to lead to is Le Shit.
Yes.
Le Shit.
I'm trying out this new thing, BEING FRENCH.
But not really.
New Year's Resolutions:
1)Quit being a little bitch
2)Pull up my fucking grades
3)Tell people things that I've always wanted to never tell them, but never had the balls to do so
4)????
5)Profit
(Those are obviously placeholders, except for the last one, profit is always nice)
But I finally DID actually tell someone how I felt, and it was something I honestly never had any intentions on doing. But, I guess that's what I get for drinking. NO MORE OF THAT!
Hmm.. what else do I need to vent about?
/lil' bitch on
Crying. It's one thing I've never been good at. But lately I've been feeling like it's been just right there behind my eyes, I just can't do it. There's so much more shit that could be happening to me now that is way worse but isn't. But I still want to give up. For good/ever. Yeah that, the cowards way out. I don't honestly think I ever could, because I made a promise that I never would, and I don't intend on breaking any promises to that person anytime in the foreseeable future.
/lil' bitch off
That's all I can think of, but I think I'm going to make an effort to post here once a week at least. It's a good release. I mean, unless anyone other than like, martin read this >.> <.< shit time to remove followers, if I can. yeh. that.

Well...

I really don't like myself right now, it just seems like i hurt everyone around me.
No matter what i try, i just end up more and more alone it seems.
But things seem to have slowed down a bit, Martin's been helping me with that. I know i'm not alone, i just feel like i need something to fill my heart.
I'm tired of falling asleep alone.
I can only hope i don't do something i'll regret.

30 Day Challenge: El Day Sies

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

1. I'm not all that interesting
2. Favorite color is purple
3. I eat like a fat person
4. I'm gonna just bs the other 26
5. Fact 5
6. Fact 6
7. Fact 7
8. Fact 8
9. Fact 9
10. Fact 10
11. Fact 11
12. Fact 12
13. Fact 13
14. Fact 14
15. Fact 15
16. Fact 16
17. Fact 17
18. Fact 18
19. Fact 19
20. Fact 20
21. Fact 21
22. Fact 22
23. Fact 23
24. Fact 24
25. Fact 25
26. Fact 26
27. Fact 27
28. Fact 28
29. Fact 29
30. FACT NUMBA 30
    

30 Day Challenge: El Day Cinco

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Erghh, pass.

30 Day Challenge El Day Quatro

Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Religion. I've been struggling with this one for a while. I DO believe there is something out there. And I do believe in God. But I just have trouble with the whole "give yourself to him" thing. I like to see myself as having a big part of control of my life, and that I decide what happens. But having something to look forward to and a reason to act, right, I guess, after life help me sleep.

MAKEUP POST! 30 Day Challenge: El Day Tres

Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Eh this is a toughy. I don't necessarily have a problem with them, and they're fun -- when it's appropriate.

30 Day Challenge: El Day Dos

Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Where would I like to be in ten years? Jesus, I'd be 25, I'd like to be either getting my masters in what ever I decide to study, or working with my dad in the family business.

30 Day Challenge: El Day Uno

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Well there's two ways I could go about this, the narcissistic way, or the truthful way, both are pretty pitiful. I think I'll go with the narcissistic way.

So I've been seeing myself for about 15 years, 4 months, and 20 days. It's been a pretty good relationship, we just get each other, but sometimes, he's an asshole.

Loljk, I'm single. It's pretty fun, but honestly I'd love to find a nice, long, steady relationship. Not my highest priority, but it's pretty high up there. I guess the only time I think about it is when I'm around my friends who're in great relationships, or long relationships, or just have a hand to hold.

So yeh, onward and forward!

Happy Birthday, Mom, You're a year old.

So, exactly one year today, my mom had a blood clot hit her heart and lungs. She passed out in her bedroom and when she came to, she was completely out of it. I have to say, that was the single most scary moment, day, week, I've ever been through. When this all happened, all i could do it sit on the porch and make sure my sister was okay, I felt so helpless and to be honest, I almost hated myself for it.

That night, she was at the hospital, and everything was okay, when another blood clot came and hit her heart, except this time, she didn't wake up. It was by the grace of God that there was a doctor in the room who made the split second decision to jump on top of her in the bed and start CPR. Everyone else was too shocked to think of anything to do.

For the next about week and a half, my mom was in ICU, stable, but critical. I was able to go see her once, and it took everything that I had not to cry, because she could still hear, and there was no way in hell I was going to let her hear me scared.

But she pulled through, and was able to leave in about two weeks after that. She's been recovering since and I just felt that this was the best way for me to tell her how much she means to me. So mom, I love you, and happy First Birthday.